IN WHICH The Girl Learns Christmas Lessons

Everything I need to know about love, I learned from a Christmas movie. Said no one. Granted, there are some nice lessons in Christmas films, such as being good to others and the importance of family. However, ridiculous lessons abound as well.

First, let's be clear what I mean by a Christmas movie because I'm not talking about Elf. I do not mean legitimate films that are shown in movie theaters. I'm thinking about the made-for-television Christmas movies - mainly romances - seen on ABC Family, Lifetime, and the Hallmark Channel. One of my not-so-secret guilty pleasures is watching these films every year about this time. I think I literally watched five of them yesterday. I put them on while cleaning and then got together with a friend to watch a couple more. Don't judge me! Nevertheless, I do realize how ridiculous and terrible these films are. I think that's part of what makes watching them so fun. They are silly but rarely take themselves seriously; therefore, you can make fun of them but also enjoy the experience.

A lot of these Christmas films follow similar romantic comedy story lines. They have some pretty outlandish ideas about life, love, and the holidays:

8 Christmas Movie Love Lessons

1. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman over 22 must be in want of a husband. Yes, I just plagiarized Pride and Prejudice. Granted, these are romances, so people seeking mates is not unusual. However, the pressure put on women (most of the films are aimed at a female audience and therefore have female protagonists/victims of marriage pressure) by family, friends, and themselves is immense. Family members in these films seem to see any unmarried woman out of college as a complete failure. Oh you have a good job? Who cares? Life is worthless without a good man! The moms are always the worst. In Holiday Engagement, the mom (Shelly Long) has to tell her daughter at least twenty times that she's not getting any younger. This has then led to three daughters in horrible relationships to make the mother happy. My parents didn't really start putting on the pressure (and very light pressure at that) until I hit 30. I also think the pressure has absolutely nothing to do with me getting married or finding the right man. It's entirely focused on the fact that they want grandchildren. Apparently though, my parents are the exception, not the rule.

2. If you are not able to get a boyfriend, or you break up with your boyfriend, the obvious solution is to find a man to pretend to be your boyfriend for the holidays - or even kidnap one if necessary. The fake boyfriend is a very popular trope in these films. Since her mother is such a nag, the woman in Holiday Engagement hires an actor to play her fiance, who inconveniently broke up with her a few days before Thanksgiving. My favorite example of this is another film, Holiday in Handcuffs, in which Melissa Joan Hart actually kidnaps Mario Lopez and takes him to her family's Christmas celebration. See this great Buzzfeed post about the film. Granted, the fake couples always fall in love, so this might be a good strategy. Insanity seems to work well. Or Stockholm Syndrome at least. I haven't tried kidnapping yet, but maybe this year.

3. Speaking of insanity, stalking is also a good way to find a man. If you see someone you like, just insert yourself into their lives. They will obviously then fall in love with you. In Dear Santa, a woman finds a sad letter to Santa asking for a new mom for Christmas. She then stalks the dad, starts working where he does, starts babysitting the kid, and even when he finds out she lied about everything to be part of his and his child's lives, he decides she's awesome. Maybe I should be be looking through the mail.

4. Not everyone finds their mate through crazy schemes though. In many circumstances, the perfect man has been waiting for you all along in your hometown. Usually, it's someone from your past. Maybe your high school boyfriend, though more likely your high school best friend that you never realized you actually love. In Christmas Crush, the girl returns home for Christmas and the high school reunion. She hopes to get back with her quarterback boyfriend, who turns out to be a douche, and instead realizes her best friend was the one all along. Unfortunately, I have not found this strategy of just returning home to produce boyfriends out of the woodwork. I tend to only run in to people from high school on those nights when a friend says, "Come on, let's go out. You don't even need to get dressed. Just wear your sweats. No one will be out on Christmas night." Then, of course, you realize that every single person you went to high school with is out on Christmas because no one can stand their families anymore.

5. If none of these strategies for finding a boyfriend work, someone will set you up with Mr. Right. In 12 Dates of Christmas (this is a good one), the protagonist's stepmother sets her up on a blind date (Zach Morris!) on Christmas Eve. One, who goes on a date on Christmas Eve? Two, it's someone they are planning to actually spend Christmas with this year, so if the date goes badly you can't escape them. She keeps reliving the day a la Groundhog Day until she falls in love - and learns to be a nicer person. My mother has never tried to set me up on a blind date, and I love her for this.

6. Now, one of the reasons women have so much trouble finding a husband is because they work way too much. In this feminist society, women have become obsessed with their jobs and have no time to find the right guy. Or they have met someone at work who is obviously not the right guy because he too loves work too much to love a woman. Caring about your career is bad. Obviously, we all need to find a way to balance our personal and professional lives but the way these movies portray working women is ridiculous. Christmas Cupid has a career obsessed publicist who ignores her mother, her friends, and the right guy all because of her job. She also tries to get ahead by marrying the boss. She eventually finds, through the help of the ghost version of a dead party girl actress in A Christmas Carol fashion, the error of her ways. Should I stop working? Hmm, I think then I will just be even more broke and single.

7. Once you do meet someone with potential, it is completely acceptable to propose after a few days or without ever having dated or even after several years of never seeing one another. Most of these relationships are instalove and the couples meet, fall in love, and get engaged within several days. Because you obviously want to commit the rest of your life to someone you have known less than a week. Even for those people who have known each other a long time or dated at one point, they have usually been separated for a while. Love at the Christmas Table - this might be my favorite Christmas movie ever despite its obvious flaws - tells the story of a boy and girl (Winnie from The Wonder Years) who grew up together and always go to the same Christmas party every year. They obviously have a connection but never actually date (they only kiss once  - well twice if you count the time they were 13 and she stabbed him with a fork - in twenty-odd years). They get in a huge fight during one Christmas party and the guy doesn't return for five years. They haven't seen each other in five years, but he returns and proposes at this final Christmas party. Of course she says yes. What? That's crazy! Though I'm not going to lie; it may bring tears to my eyes every time.

8. Lastly, beware of snow globes. This one actually has nothing to do with romance. However, there are at least two Christmas films where the characters get trapped in a snow globe: Holidaze and the aptly named Snowglobe. If you have a snow globe sitting around, you should get rid of it immediately! I warned you.

This is just the tip of the made-for-television Christmas movie iceberg. There are soooo many more. Now get watching, so that you know how to find love as well! Happy Holidays!

IN WHICH The Girl Dreams of Santa Fe

Watching RENT over the weekend, I noticed something similar to another New York-based musical, Newsies: in both shows, the characters sing about escaping to Santa Fe. While I've certainly heard both "Santa Fe" songs before, I only noticed the coincidence now, probably because I saw the Newsies musical on tour about a month ago, so it's fresh in my mind (side note: I have a serious Newsies obsession that stems from childhood). So why Santa Fe? This strikes me as a random choice of idyllic living spot. Do all New Yorkers dream of Santa Fe?

The cast of RENT wants to open up a restaurant in Santa Fe:



Young Christian Bale - oops I mean Jack Kelly - dreams of enjoying all the space in Santa Fe:



Now, it doesn't surprise me that city dwellers, particularly the poor ones populating these musicals, daydream about smaller, quieter locales. But why do both land on Santa Fe? Maybe it fits into the traditional American dream, where people seem to have an inherent need to venture westward. Santa Fe definitely symbolizes the west, which is notably seen in the Newsies video where Jack Kelley rides horses in a cowboy hat during the song (all of these western items seem to suddenly appear out of nowhere). Granted, Newsies takes place at the turn of the 20th century, so these western goals seem more natural. RENT is set a century later when the instinct to travel west isn't as prevalent.

I'm not knocking Santa Fe. I traveled there once with my family and it was quite a pleasant little city. It's also very artsy, which would appeal to the creative New Yorkers in RENT. However, there are certainly many other small American cities. Maybe Santa Fe just rhymes well for songwriting. Any guesses?

Despite all these dreams, the characters always end up back in New York. I suppose Santa Fe isn't for everyone.

Now, I think I need to watch a few more musical numbers. Gots to seize the day!

IN WHICH The Girl Makes Cucumber Sandwiches

Last week, I discussed my Jane Austen love and how I wanted to watch the Colin Firth version of Pride and Prejudice over the weekend. Well, I followed though, and it even became a party! Cucumber sandwiches, Colin Firth, and alcohol, oh my! Surprisingly, when I mentioned wanting to watch the movie, a bunch of others wanted to join in the fun. So six of us got together yesterday evening for the viewing and a drinking game. My version of a Pride and Prejudice party includes the following:

Food and Drinks

I considered actually cooking and baking, but alas decided that would be entirely too much work. Therefore, it wasn't the most authentic experience. I did manage, however, to obtain and produce some semi-Regency era tidbits. I did make (I mean there was lots of cutting and spreading of ingredients if that counts as making) cucumber sandwiches. I love me some cucumber sandwiches, and these were a hit. I even produced a second batch several hours later after much drinking. One friend also brought over salami and cheese and another came with mini-toasts with a pork and cheese topping that were quite delicious.

For drinks, I mixed up some punch. I had looked up the recipe for the Regent's (Edward IV's) Punch, and while not too hard, it still had too many steps for me. I have no idea what Arrack is. I chose the simpler route, a strawberry champagne punch that only involved mixing champagne, ginger ale, and triple sec together and throwing in a bag of frozen strawberries. Yummy. I think I seriously drank half of the punch. Not going to lie, I sort of want some right now. It's brunch time, right? We also had an assortment of beer for long-term drinking. I discovered a lack of English beer options at the store, so it really just came down to Newcastle.

I also bought a number of sweets that seemed British. I had blueberry scones, milk chocolate and toffee dipped butter wafers, vanilla meringues, and a variety pack of shortbread cookies with chocolate toppings. The chocolate and toffee wafers, from Whole Foods, stole the show. Half the time people were asking for the yellow bowl of them and the other half they were asking someone to take the bowl away from them.

Decorations and Clothing

For decorations, I simply placed all my copies of Jane Austen novels around the room and freshened it up with some flowers. I really wanted to have doilies, but unfortunately Walgreen's doesn't carry them (imagine that) and time was running out.

However, I did make some attempt to wear appropriate clothing. Now, I don't have any full skirted empire waist dresses, but I wore a long skirt that covered my ankles. Polite ladies do not show their ankles. I put on my dancing slippers - my ballet shoes - in preparation for dancing at the ball. I also donned a shawl and floppy hat for a minute to complete the outfit. A bonnet would have been perfect. I wonder where one gets a bonnet today?

The Drinking Game

Now the most important part of the night was the Pride and Prejudice drinking game. You can see our rules, which I mixed and matched from a number of games posted on the internet. Some rules worked better than others. We are a fairly loud group who talked through a lot of the movie; therefore, we missed a lot of the subtler mentions of things like money, esteeming or regarding someone, or Mrs. Bennet calling for Hill. We did manage to pick up on many mentions of Lady Catherine de Bourgh though.

The most popular rules contained visual cues. We loved horses, and there are lots and lots of horses. While I had meant men bending over in greeting by bows, we quickly added fabric bows on dresses and hats to the list as well. Crying, playing the piano (and I learned that a pianoforte is a specific type of piano), and womanly arts all went over quite well.

Our most enthusiastic responses regarded Lydia being slutty and Colin Firth being sexy. We spent a lot of time yelling, "Slut," at the television whenever Lydia came onscreen - I mean she's pretty much always doing something scandalous. We also waterfalled at the lake scene with Colin Firth. We decided that if you really wanted to get drunk, you should drink every time someone goes walking. That may be a new rule in the future. I'm not sure how much those experiencing the story for the first time actually followed it, but we had a lot of fun.

To leave you in a good mood, here's a skit of some guys playing a Jane Austen Drinking Game. The small dogs moments are hilarious. Sadly, Pride and Prejudice doesn't contain as many small dogs.

IN WHICH The Girl Succumbs to Austen Mania

The title is a little misleading as I succumbed to Austen mania a dozen years ago or so. But I'm fully indulging in the craziness this week. I like that both Jane Austen and her novels never seem to lose their popularity. Consider the sheer number of books and movies that involve adapting the novels (dozens but most recently famous, Pride and Prejudice), reinterpreting them (Bridget Jones' Diary and Clueless), following characters obsessed with them (Austenland, Lost in Austen, The Jane Austen Book Club), prequels and sequels (Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife), changes in genre (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Death Comes to Pemberley), and Jane Austen herself (Becoming Jane). Check out this Wikipedia page listing all the literary adaptations of Pride and Prejudice alone. Amazing.

Needless to say, should you want to spend hours, days, weeks, or years reading and watching things related to Jane Austen, you could. Yesterday was a travel nightmare and I ended up listening to the entire audiobook of Austenland. It was decent, not awesome, but I nonetheless tried to find the movie version upon returning home. I didn't find a free version, so I ended up with the Lost in Austen miniseries, which I have continued watching this evening.

Here's where I imagine this journey taking me. Since Lost in Austen revolves around Pride and Prejudice, it makes me want to watch the best movie version of the actual novel - the 1995 BBC miniseries with Colin Firth. I mean how can you not love the famous scene where Colin Firth, as Mr. Darcy, walks out of the lake soaking wet in his white shirt? I think Saturday or Sunday of this weekend will be devoted to watching the whole miniseries.

Watching this version will invariably inspire me to watch Colin Firth reprise his role as Darcy in the modern reinterpretation of the novel, Bridget Jones' Diary.

I could go several different directions at this point. If I'm still in a Pride and Prejudice mood, I may watch the BBC miniseries of Elizabeth Gaskell's North and South, which is essentially Pride and Prejudice with industrialism.

I may be tired of the P&P storyline, however, so I may switch to Emma Thompson's Sense and Sensibility. This movie actually started my interest in Jane Austen when we watched it in a high school English course.

On the other hand, I may want to stick with more modern versions and watch Clueless, an updated version of Emma. I do love Clueless.

And so on and so forth until the end of time. This might even devolve into book reading. I'll be back when I emerge from my cocoon of refined manners, bonnets, and endless cups of tea.

IN WHICH The Girl Falls In Love With a Paperman

By day (and often night), I work as a college English instructor, mainly teaching composition. Last semester, I was looking for a video to show in class that the students could analyze together in preparation for writing a film analysis paper. Usually I would use a television episode, but I knew there wouldn't be enough class time for a whole episode this time around. I went looking online for a short film to use instead.

Personally, my knowledge of short films is pretty limited, as I would guess it is for most people. We seldom see them in theaters unless you happen to go to the rare children's movie that shows one before the feature starts. Television does not show them often either. So, unless you go looking for short films specifically, the opportunities to see them are scarce. However, I found out that a lot of wonderful short films are available on the Youtube and other websites. For the purposes of my class, I wanted an animated short film that wasn't too childish. I ended up with a wonderful 7 minute film called Paperman. 

Paperman is quirky and adorable. The story follows George, an accountant in 1940's New York City, who meets a beautiful girl, Meg, at the train station when one of his business papers blows into her face, leaving her red lipstick on the page. Unfortunately, she boards the train before he can make her acquaintance. When George arrives at work, he happens to see Meg through the window in the office building across the street and tries, through hundreds of paper airplanes thrown at the window, to get her attention. No luck. Already in trouble at work, George makes one last attempt by forming an airplane out of the sheet with Meg's lipstick. The wind sweeps the paper away before he can even throw the last airplane, and George leaves work feeling defeated. But this is a Disney film, so both magic and fate intervene. The paper airplanes, led by the lipstick sheet, come alive and pull the two protagonists together. See for yourself:

Paperman by videobash

Beyond the cute story, I love that Paperman has an old-fashioned feel but is mixed with some modern elements. Everything is in black and white, which seems appropriate to the era, but the lipstick is red, drawing your attention and foreshadowing the paper's significance. According to what I've read (and barely understand), the animation is a mix of 2D drawings and 3D computer animation, which gives the film a more traditional look but with modern movement. Paperman also initially seems like a silent film because no one speaks. Nonetheless, you can actually hear sounds, such as the train, the papers swishing, and cars honking. In actuality, there isn't really any need for talking in this film. George's job requires him to work silently and he never gets a chance to speak to Meg. The film seems both black and white and silent without completely succumbing to those traditional elements.

The music really steals the show though. At first the music is light and in the background, but corresponds directly to George's mood. As the plot reaches its climax and the paper airplanes gain life, the music also gains momentum. The tune becomes happier and almost motivational. From the music alone, we know that George and Meg will meet again soon. The film also uses a mickey-mousing technique (look I actually learned something when I taught film); it is a Disney film after all. Mickey-mousing means that the music and the actions on screen are synchronized, just like in old Mickey Mouse films. When the planes start to come to life in the alley, the music parallels their actions precisely. This musical action adds another whimsical and traditional element to a lovable film. 

Now, I just need to go out and watch some more short films to expand my horizons.